Burnout

I think it's finally happened. I'm actually burned out.

I can do music, but I feel particularly uninspired these days. No writing, no creating, no real connection to anything I hear. I am even wondering if it's just a phase, or if I've crossed over into "go through the motions"-land.

I hope not. I play in a good band, with two gentlemen I really like. I am always praised for my singing and playing (probably because no matter how I'm feeling, I act as though it's the last show I'm ever going to get to play). We just played an awesome wedding at the Trois Estate north of Fredericksburg. All good shit with music. New venues, new opportunities, new songs...and just a blah feeling from me about all of it.

I think it might just come down to this: I feel constrained.

Constrained by the fact that Ned isn't a walking encyclopedia of songs (not even the songs we've played in the past because of his lack of memory).
Constrained by the fact that I have to drive all the way up to Round Rock to practice (which makes them impractical).
Constrained by my inability to manage time well enough to feel like I'm forging the close relationships with my wife and kids I want while also satisfying that artist in me who is crying out to create something, internalizing all that frustration and pain and not turning it into something productive.
Constrained by not having someone who has my same weird, diverse-but-still-sort-of-mainstream feelings about music or my same desire to create both the perfect Beatles-esque pop song, a ripping, angry punk song, a thrashy metal tune, and cutting the funkiest, most dirty groove.

I feel like I need a musical counterpart. As much as I've found a lot of musicians I admire and would collaborate with any time, I really don't have one. I don't know anyone who has the same affection for Rush, Van Halen, Green Day, Zappa, Sloan, Jellyfish, The Meters, Chicago, Billy Joel, Anthrax, Living Colour, Led Zeppelin, Extreme, King's X, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Grand Funk, Dave Brubeck, Motown, Stax, Operation Ivy, Reel Big Fish, Katy Perry, Butch Walker, early Wilco...you get the picture.

I have a feeling that unless something just happens, I'm not going to have an opportunity to ever really find one, because I just feel I can't invest the time in that sort of selfish pursuit. I feel it's unfair to my family.

So I think this constraint is more internal than external. It has everything to do with how I've lived my life. The endless conflict between the worldview of the obsessive artist - the loner who needs to concentrate to create - and the responsible member of society, making a contribution, dutiful to their responsibilities, not chasing their fanciful dreams.

Okay, now I'm going to cry - this cuts too close to the bone for me. This was meant as more of a "thinking it out as you write" thing, so of course I had to travel through a range of feelings to reach any sort of conclusions.

And here's my conclusion/plan for a resolution:
-I'm going to start to allow myself a little time each night to focus solely on musical pursuits. I'll do it when the children and wife have gone to sleep so as to not take away from potential time with them.
-I'll fight the feelings of burnout by finding new ways to enjoy what I'm doing (maybe play around with settings or something).
-I'm going to really focus on my music - improving what I've got and creating new music and hopefully finding some like-minded people here in Austin to play it with me. Hopefully the drum throne in this new endeavor (which will include me on vocals and guitar) will be occupied by Greg from Roman Holiday - he's got such a healthy attitude about music I still can't believe we ever considered anyone else after Rob left.

And if nothing comes of any of it, here's hoping it doesn't turn me into a cynical sourpuss who wants to sell all his gear and quit because he's never going to have the time to do it the way he wants to do it.

Love and funk,
TMS